***UPDATE:***
cnn.com greeted me with this story this morning. weeeeeeird.



so i crawled into bed last night at an obscenely late hour after quite the ridiculous debacle (which included lindsey passing out in my kitchen sink, something that i still can't quite fathom). i pulled the covers around my chin, breathed deeply, and settled into the quiet darkness of my room.

all of a sudden, a shrill ringing echoed through my room. it took me a moment to realize that it was my cell phone. joel's name flashed across its tiny screen, and that could only mean that he had forgotten something, seeing as my house had been vacated literally five minutes earlier.

"what the hell do you want?" i grumbled.

"ohhhhh," he said, sympathetically. "you were already asleep." i muttered some sarcastic affirmative and gruffly repeated my demand.

"well, i just wanted to let you know that i saw a bear relatively close to your neighborhood."

"what?" i asked, slightly more conscious. i could have sworn he said that there was a bear close to my neighborhood, but that couldn't be right.

"yeah, just a little black bear on 11th and 4th. i called 911 and told them about it, but they asked me if it was bothering me, and since it wasn't, they didn't sound like they cared very much."

what?

i didn't know what to say. i was barely conscious, so comprehending the fact that there was a bear close to where i live was slightly difficult for me. the fact that nobody cared was even more baffling.

i hung up and fell back into bed, but i couldn't help but feel like i could see two beady little eyes peering through my screen.

maybe that was just the skunk that's been haunting 16th avenue recently. that fucker scared me so badly the other night that i shrieked and ran down the street like i was a six year old running from a flock of geese or something. i guess the only ones that will get that reference are those who know paul's goose story, but still... i ran like hell.

anyhow, i hope that none of my fellow duluthians were mauled by this bear.

actually, i really hope someone else saw it and i didn't just dream this up. joel, back me up. please. oh my god i made it up, didn't i?

ps: despite cameron diaz's superb ability to annoy the snot out of me and saturday night live's recent suckiness, tonight's episode is really not helping my intense crush on billie joe armstrong (and green day as a whole). seriously, when did he get this hot?

i will reiterate that i am not above being shallow.

pps: i tried to switch my comments over to haloscan tonight, but it really messed a lot of things up. any other bloggers use it and have some kind of feedback on it?

i kind of want to put in my two cents about r. kelly's "trapped in the closet" opera, but i think everything that needs to be said has already been said. it is, as mr. gorillamask says, the most ridiculous shit ever. well, the brilliant and underrated jimmy kimmel has done his own version of "trapped in the closet" called "the pizza." and you should watch it.

also, can someone fill me in on what's going on with cameron diaz and this topless photo trial? i really have had no desire to find out about it, but it made top cnn.com news this morning, so i figure i should probably know something about it. i'm counting on you, samantha scott or kim garvey, my pop culture equals. if there is no knowledge of it between the three of us, i'll assume it's not worth knowing.

in other news, who told julia roberts that she should perform on broadway? anyone else remember her singing talents in "pretty woman"? seriously, julia, don't do it. it's a bad idea.

i'm not going to lie -- i want to see hustle & flow. but more than that, i'm ashamed to say that i'm looking forward to the dukes of hazzard. now, i know i've been openly bashing it, but remember when i was talking about my rotating crushes? well, this here's my newest one:



i have a raging crush on him all of a sudden. it's so intense that i will pay a matinee price to see his awful upcoming movie, and i won't regret doing it. i don't really want to see jessica simpson in her underwear, waving her newly perfect ass in my face and making me wish i didn't just buy those gummi worms for the movie, but it's just the price i'll have to pay to see the dreamy johnny knoxville twenty feet tall. i'm not above my shallow mentality, and i'll be the first to admit it.

and finally, i think i saw meryl streep in the cities on tuesday. my brother is going to a jazz camp at smith-mcnally, right across from the fitzgerald theater where they are currently shooting the movie version of "prarie home companion," starring ms. streep. i could be wrong, but i'm pretty sure it was her standing on the corner in her black track suit. i've told my brother to keep his eyes open for any celebrities, and the second he sees lohan, i'll let you know. i'm looking at you, sam.

is it weird that i find it normal to sit here and watch my male roommate lacquer his eyes with thick streaks of black eyeliner?



so life in duluth is good, and i'm glad to be back. my computer will be back and running tomorrow, thank god. drunky mctrash is letting me use his for the time being, but i miss it.

so i didn't really get a chance to recap this weekend. pelowski was here, marisa was here, we made family fajitas, and we saw "rocky horror" again, making a night of it. see!







we were hot. the gigantic "v"s drawn on drew & pelowski's foreheads signify their "rocky horror" virginity, which was promptly lost within fifteen minutes of the picture.

and then, of course, the cast:





i'd have more, but one of the chorus threatened my life for having flash photography.

speaking of bizarre costumes, glam rock friday night is being moved from tomorrow night to sometime later in the month. i'll let you know.

this is really just a gratuitous picture post. i should say something pertaining to my life, however. uh... i'm waiting to hear from two big job opportunities, so i don't have a lot going on right now. if you have any suggestions for a girl looking for hobbies, let me know.

i've started this post four different times, and nothing's really making a lot of sense right now. i downed an entire pot of perkins' coffee and smoked about seven cigarettes in roughly forty-five minutes and i'm jittery as all hell, so i'm just going to dive into it.

i'm just going to say that the power cord to my laptop broke, and i'm pissed. i need my computer, man. i need my internet and my bookmarks. how can i update my ipod? i can't. life is hard.

i'd like to do the sunday 5, but because i currently have no access to my music, i'll do my best with the music i have here. it's a routine, dammit, so it's happening.

the theme this week is essential hip hop (or the hip hop i currently have access to). the thing that i really like about good hip hop is the songs usually have excellent one liners, which will be highlighted.

the sunday 5.
1. atmosphere: reflections.
ahhhh.... slug.... so hot right now.
don't get me wrong it would be my pleasure/to sing a song that could remove your shoes and your sweater.

2. the fugees: how many mics.
get back together, guys. seriously. let's bury the hatchet, because, let's face it, this was a really solid album. the world needs more fugees. and really, have you guys done anything since?
...oh wait...
god made this word, you can't get with this/sweet like licorice, dangerous like syphills.

3. mos def: do it now (feat. busta rhymes).
you know how i adore the mighty mos. and nobody doesn't love busta. it's a match made in hip-hop heaven.
tell them thugs that wanna be CEOs to be derobed/before i wear your little dumb ass out like easter clothes.

4. snoop dogg: who i am (what's my name?).
the doggfather. as a good friend once said, every song should start out exactly the way this one does. this will always remind me of driving through the tunnels in duluth on 35e nearing 21st ave after getting our atmosphere tickets.
then i step through the fog and i creep through the smog/'cause i'm snoop doggy (who?) doggy (what?) doggy (dogg!)

5. eyedea & abilities: now.
they talk fast.
(plus the "bombs over baghdad" sample is pretty sweet.)
i really can't pick a part of this song to quote. listen. you'll understand.

there you have it. not too shabby.

this was a pretty lame post, in actuality. next time i'll have "rocky" pictures. oh, friday is glam rock night. vlogging is guaranteed, and you know you want in on that. especially if you missed the first round.

pelowski, thank you for blessing us with your skanky company this weekend. oh, and you'd better have brought my movies over today, because if i have to go one more weekend anchorman-less, i'm not going to thoroughly wash your sacred kitchen supplies the next time i use them, and that's a promise. oooooh! buuuuurn! BRING IT.

i've started running again, ladies and gentlemen.
granted, this is only day three, and i technically haven't gone yet, but i am, at this moment, all dressed to go, with my sneakers sitting next to me, so i can't really back out now.

i love running, but getting back into it sucks, especially for a devoted smoker. (hypothetically speaking, of course.) duluth is an awesome place to do it, though. the scenery is like no other, and the hills definitely give you a good workout, whether you want it or not.

the only real issue i'm having is my ipod.
i'm a big baby when it comes to this. if i don't have my ipod, i'm just not going running. but my issue lies within the practicality of it -- i don't have any pockets in my running pants, and i don't have one of those $30-plus-shipping armbands. i tried simply holding it the last two days, but i'm growing tired of that quickly. i've been considering whipping out the duct tape and plastering it to my body, but the thought of the removal process tells me that might not be the best plan of attack.

i need some suggestions on what to do here. i'm not looking forward to this as it is, and now i have to think about it either a) sans music (which really isn't an option), or b) getting sweaty and worrying about dropping my ipod somewhere on 9th street. so please, leave me suggestions, or buy me the damn armband to end my bitching. you didn't really get me anything for my birthday, now, did you?

in other news, a lot has happened this week. i think you just see your roommate in a different way after he gets drunk, jumps over a roaring bonfire six or seven times, goes skinnydipping in a lake that's possibly infected with e.coli, and ends up defiantly tossing his favorite pair of boxers into said bonfire. cheers, dave..... you drunk bastard.

one of the other things that i learned this week was the lesson that you never can tell. out of a hypothetical group of friends, bandmates, etc., you pick the donny wahlberg out of the bunch and think to yourself, "he's the one that's going to jail first." well, we were all proven wrong this time. it was the joey mcintyre of the group that is now wearing orange and busting rocks and declaring to his fellow inmates that he can eat fifty eggs. i know he's got a big bright smile on his face, ripping 80's-style holes into his jumpsuit, and still has the bounciest curliest hair out of the lot of them. thirty days is a long time to be there, but i hope you've learned your lesson. don't fuck with the system -- it doesn't matter how pretty you are, they'll still get you.

i've delayed this run long enough. here's to my aching muscles, my sweaty back, and my decidedly sour disposition when i return, due to my lack of imagination on how to carry my damn ipod.

the winds of change are a-blowin'.
i don't know if that means i'll be getting pink hair extensions or going off to live in thailand, but something is afoot. i can tell.

so something happened on monday. i want to tell you the whole deal before you hear it from someone else. i don't want anyone getting false information.

i saw "charlie & the chocolate factory." and i liked it. wild, no? you know about my deep-rooted fear of all things wonka. but it's true, i liked it. i thought it was good. not great, but not vomit-inducing like the original. the oompa loompas were fine... even.... cute. there you have it -- this is step one in getting over my wonka phobias. i've still got to take it one step at a time, but i'm making progress.

so bush nominated john g. roberts to fill the void in the supreme court left by good ol' sandy o'connor. i was going to write a fantastic entry on this topic because i read somewhere this morning that he's julia roberts' brother. it turns out that isn't true.

in other recent news, john doohan (a.k.a. scotty on "star trek") died. as an integral piece of my childhood, he will stay honored in my heart. and i am omitting the obvious joke out of respect for "star trek," "star trek II: the wrath of khan," "star trek III: search for spock," "star trek IV: the voyage home," and "star trek V: the final frontier." yeah, i watched them all. i'm one cultured gal.

on a personal note, i'm cleaning out my itunes library. i watch a lot of mp3 blogs and realized yesterday that i have roughly eight million songs residing on my computer that i've never listened to. i've run across a lot of awesome songs and an equal number of horrendous songs. here are my findings:

-there are a lot of fucking weird cover songs out there. i have willie nelson singing "smells like teen spirit" by nirvana, the wiggles (that cheesy group of homo sapian barneys that kids seem to fawn over across the country) singing "walk on the wild side" by lou reed (cleaned up nearly beyond recognition), and some bjork-wannabe who attempts "heart of gold" by neil young. i'm sure there are weirder ones somewhere in the depths of my computer. i'll let you know.

-green day is definitely one of my new favorite bands. i'm a little late on this one, i know, but better late than never.

-"chariot" by gavin degraw is a pretty solid tune. i've been vaguely aware of the name for the last, what, six months? i finally heard it. and i like it.

-the more bizarre your band's name is increases the likelihood that you a) suck or b) sound like a ripoff of a bunch of other indie bands. and while we're on the subject, death from above 1979's song "black history month" sounds like a faux-techno version of every hot hot heat song i've ever heard.

by the way, i know i'm at a loss for cash these days, but suggesting that i sell my u2 tickets is absolutely not the right thing to say to me. come now, alexis. i'd rather starve.

chicago was hectic.

my brother was amazing. that kid can play bass like nobody's business. he is amazing for a) being seventeen years old, and b) for only having played for a year and a half. he's my new hero, and he should be yours. when i get his chicago cd, i'll upload it. because i know you're dying to hear it.

anyway, a lot can happen in three days, and it did.

families are important. pets are important. music is important. audiobooks by robert ludlum are important. having exact change at those stupid tolls is important. coming home to my roommates who have been drinking since 5pm is important. "thunderstruck" by ac/dc is important. female bonding is important. 24 hour mcdonalds is important. and my beautiful joel finding my wallet is important.

i've had a lot of weird dreams about the most random people lately. last night, for example, i dreamed about a guy i knew a long-ass time ago at church, my pseudo-brother jordan, and ann perkins. and we were at mounds view high school. i won't go into it because i'm sure nobody really cares, but trust me -- it was weird. i wonder if i should be eating more protein or something. doesn't that affect dreams? i'm pretty sure i just made that up.

enough. the sunday 5 was delayed for a good reason, and here it is.
i've been trying to do a theme lately, but it hasn't really been happening. there is no rhyme or reason to this one. maybe next week.

the sunday monday 5.
1. the traveling wilburys: dirty world.
my parents played the traveling wilburys non-stop as i grew up. this song sticks out as the dirtiest song that i knew as a seven year old. bob dylan's voice is slightly creepy singing things like "you don't need no wax job/you're smooth enough for me/if you need your oil changed/i'll do it for you.... free." creepy in the good way. so if you were looking for a song jam-packed with sexual innuendos to play around seven year old children, this is the one for you.

2. the radiators: soul deep.
....care of pelowski. seeing this band live at pizza lucé is probably one of the highlights of freshman year... although i don't remember much from it. i do remember the lead singer smoking pot on stage. and i remember the keyboard player headbanging so hard that i thought he was going to smack his head into his microphone and busting the gigantic vein in his forehead and getting blood all over his keyboard and myself, respectively. i was very worried about that. anyway, this is a great tune. great band. great song. great. yep.

3. system of a down: prison song.
i remember liking system of a down from the minute my first listening of "chop suey" was over. "toxicity" was a great tune as well. this song was the one that convinced me that system of a down is beginning to fill the blunt protest music-shaped void that rage against the machine left in my heart. i can even get over the low, growling screams that go along with this type of music... the kind that i hate with such a burning passion. it works, and i can actually get behind it.

4. robert palmer: simply irresistable.
good man. i can honestly say that i was heartbroken when he died. there isn't anyone who cannot rock out to this tune. you love it and you know it. this was the video that shania twain mercilessly ripped off, right? any pop culture buffs? kim garvey?

5. john prine: please don't bury me.
any song that starts out with "woke up this morning/put on my slippers/walked in the kitchen and died" has got to be a good tune. i was brought up on john prine as well, and this was the first song that i swore in front of my parents singing along to. maybe that's how i started down the path of shamelessly flinging obscenities everywhere i go. it's catchy as all hell. enjoy this one.

so i've got a beef with dave muhs. i doubt he reads this, but it's important to make this vendetta public. let me enlighten you.

dave muhs beat me up last night.

you don't beat up girls. it doesn't matter how belligerant or provoking they are, you just don't do it. i may or may not have threatened to beat him up, and i may or may not have shoved him, all in good fun. the next thing i know, my legs have been pulled out from underneath me and i am laying flat on my back, shocked and speechless.

YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BEAT UP GIRLS, DAVE MUHS.
you aren't supposed to beat up girls.

i leave you with this video.
it's long (compared to the others). but it's worth it.
click on the picture to watch it.

(i apologize in advance if certain clips didn't make the cut. they'll most likely show up in part two.)

it's true. those who know me know this all too well.

one day i'm completely infatuated with jack white from the white stripes. (physically, back from his gorgeous days, as pictured. musically, from all the albums previous to the newest one.)



then i see "mystic river" and my intense love for sean penn is stirred up.



then i hear the song "walkabout" by the red hot chili peppers and remember how i was going to marry anthony kiedis &/or flea.





then "batman" comes around and christian bale steals my heart like he once did in "newsies."



and then i remember my creepy attractions to diamond dave and matt lauer. come on, we all have love interests that we're ashamed of, or those we cannot explain. dave and matt both fit into each category. dave's stage persona is addicting. and matt's just... well, i really just can't explain that one at all.





of course i can't find a picture of diamond dave that doesn't make him look like a complete douche, but this will have to do.


anyway, my crush du jour is billie joe armstrong from green day. his teeth slightly bother me, but i'm getting over it.




honestly, this is a pretty gratuitous post. since i'm leaving for chicago thursday night and will have no blogging access until sunday night, i felt as though i needed to blog about something. when in doubt -- hot men.

and after scanning all of them, i realize that i'm still in love with each and every one on that list.

who are your celebrity crushes?

don't give me the obvious ones. brad pitt. angelina jolie. orlando bloom. catherine zeta-jones. bah! (although i will accept johnny depp. dur.)

let's get creative here, people!! give me ashley judd! give me john corbett! give me the mom on "gilmore girls"! give me mo rocca and kelly ripa and samuel l. jackson and melissa etheridge!

hell, give me bizarre and borderline creepy! i admitted to you diamond dave and matt lauer. MATT LAUER, people. i want to see comments like pauly shore or celine dion or gary busey or paula poundstone!

okay, paula poundstone might be pushing it.

anyhow, leave me lots of comments to come back to. i know where you live.

oh yes:
rocky horror picture show.
go see it while i'm gone and tell me how amazing it was.
because it is.
seriously.

i love blogging,
clifford.

this is dedicated to my roommates.



"rocky horror picture show" opens at the duluth playground (i think it's the playground... maybe the playhouse...? whichever one is in TECHNOLOGY VILLAGE by pizza lucé) this thursday night. everyone needs to go see it. "rocky horror picture show," starring my beautiful and talented roommates;

sarah:



dave:




one of the perks of being me is that i get to see the preview of the show tomorrow night, and it's going to be absolutely fantastic.

go see it.
support local theater.
you'll thank me later.

so job hunting is a bitch, but a necessary one. i went to work today to return my swipe card and almost felt a pang of regret, a terrible feeling of "what have i done??"
i chatted with a few of my ex-co-workers about the new project, and doing so immediately cemented my decision. acquisitions from last month? hellllllllll no. hell no. hell to the no. (whitney's my girl.)

speaking of which, reality tv has hit its peak this summer. how good is "being bobby brown?" and holy shit, this season of "the real world" is television GOLD. apparently "dancing with the stars" is great too, and i'm a little upset i missed that. however, with all good reality television comes bad reality television. as someone very appropriately put it, network tv is dancing on the grave of michael hutchence with "rock star." i have a very soft spot in my heart for that man, and this is wrong. it's sick.... and it's wrong.... and sick and wrong. and i am disappointed in dave navarro hosting it. come now, man, you know that i's musical blasphemy.

i got a cute pair of shoes today. it's notable.

i also got a bitchin pair of green capris.

sarah & i are cavorting around town tomorrow. watch for me: i'm the one with the amazing bronze shimmer hair color, the bitchin green capris, and the cutest black shoes you'll ever see.

i'm such a freaking girl sometimes.

so i work monday through thursday, 8am to 6:30pm.
it is monday afternoon, 12:21pm, and i am in my pajamas under my blankets, watching "dogma" in my room with the shades pulled down, so i can slip my hungover brain into sleep mode whenever i feel like it.

how do i explain this?
i'm quitting my job. i need to go in today to get my paycheck (which i shouldn't have to do, but friday was bullshit). when i do, i'm going to hand them my swipe card and say hasta la vista and hope it was a good decision.

although i'm really not known for making a lot of those lately.

anyhow, this means that i'm back to job hunting, which sucks. especially in the middle of july. especially in duluth, where having no waitressing experience will really kill your chances of getting anything.

i just can't work there anymore, though. i've been contemplating quitting for a really long time, and i woke up this morning with newfound initiative -- i'm done, and that's that.

i just apparently need to do it in the next hour & a half, otherwise i'll have to wait until tomorrow. bitches won't even let me quit on my own time.

so if anyone hears of any job openings that are remotely close to where i live (seeing as i don't have a car and will be walking &/or taking the bus), passing them along to me would be the neighborly thing to do. wwjd, kids.

it's been brought to my attention that i forgot to do the sunday 5 yesterday. thanks for keeping me on my toes.

the sunday monday 5.
1. the doobie brothers: jesus is just alright.
this song is so damn catchy. there's not really a lot to it until it slows down in the interlude-ish part, but even then, it's a pretty skimpy song. you love it, you know it.

2. steely dan: my old school.
another catchy-ass tune. my problem with this song is that i know a lot of the words, but in patches, so i really have no clue what this song is about. i could never figure out what guadelajara had to do with him never going back to his old school. the really cool part of this song is that the guitar solos get increasingly more amazing as the song goes on. and the harmonies are awesome. i don't know how boys can sing that high. especially post-pubescent boys... who were really in their mid-forties when they recorded this song.

3. dj danger mouse: 99 problems.
i love a good mashup. i think this was probably the first one i'd ever heard, so i've got a soft spot in my heart for it. this is brilliant. hearing jay-z declare that he isn't having any issues with women and then hearing that kickass riff from "helter skelter" is one of the better moments in music from the last five years.

4. red hot chili peppers: on mercury.
the peppers take on the ska genre. i generally don't like ska music (except the live version of "trapped in a box" by no doubt from their vh1 storytellers and that song by five iron frenzy about the evil plan to save the world.. or whatever that is), but this definitely has an rhcp twist to it. the bassline is so fucken quality, as usual, and i think there's some cool steel drum action towards the end. nice.

5. tina turner: better be good to me.
tina turner kicks ass. she just kicks ass.
"AND I REALLY DON'T SEE! WHY IT'S SO HARD TO BE! GOOD TO ME! AND YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND! WHAT'S YOUR PLAN! THAT YOU CAN'T BE! GOOD TO ME!"

i feel as if i should add another track for lateness' sake, but i have to be at work in the next 55 minutes, and i smell like booze and cigarettes and should probably not leave my last impression at that.

ever seen "the mask of zorro," with anthony hopkins & antonio bandaras?



there's a scene where don diego de la vega (hopkins) tells his trainee alejandro murietta (bandaras) to "never attack in anger."

if this were applied to the world of blogging, the rule obviously would then be "never blog in anger."

well, i'm about to break this rule. prepare yourselves -- i'm about to blog in anger.

so today is payday. i've practically been counting down the minutes until i could strut into my place of work and say those five magical words: "i'm here for my paycheck."

jason picked me up at 2:20. i arrived at work at 2:23. i strut my way through the glass doors and into the tiny waiting room and looked to the counter where the owner was happily chatting away on the phone. i awkwardly stood between two older men, who were both filling out applications. my old supervisor rufus (remember rufus?) approached me and made awkward small talk.

"rufus, where do i get my paycheck?" i asked him, attempting to cut the skimpy chat short.

"talk to her!" he said, pointing at the owner through the window. the owner harshly smiled and gave me the "give me a damn minute!" finger. rufus excused himself. i looked through the glass doors and saw the rows and rows of green cubicles and my fellow co-workers. i remembered the hollowing despair that came with the job, but how it would all be worth it in fifteen minutes, when my money would be deposited into my bank account and i would be able to spend like a fiend once again.

visions of what i would buy danced in my head. that cute pair of shoes that i desperately need. "east of eden," freshly released on dvd in all its remastered splendor. l'oréal haircolor, such as feria #51 - brazilian brown, or if i were to be stepping out (which i've actually been considering, but that's for another day) feria #67 - cardinal. i couldn't wait for the owner to get off the phone and for her to hand me that beautiful piece of paper that says, "go! spend me!"

suddenly, i saw leonard, my snarky co-worker who had been reassigned across the room. it felt like there was an ocean between us. i missed our witty banter that we were now only able to have during our smoke breaks. leonard waved, and began to approach me. all of a sudden, the very window i'd been waiting nearly three minutes for flew open. "can i help you?" the owner snapped.

"yes," i said, throwing leonard a salute and stepping up to the window. i stated my name and said those magical five words: "i'm here for my paycheck."

she suddenly looked at me with pity deep in her eyes. "between noon and two," she said. "you can only get them then."

i was so taken aback that i didn't immediately focus on her abysmal sentence structure. "what?" i asked, assuming i had heard wrong.

"sorry, honey," she said. "i don't even have them anymore."

i was stunned into silence. i stared at her, shocked. it was as though she had simultaneously burned those shoes, snapped the james dean dvd in two, and dumped my haircolor down the sink.

i slunk out of the building, crossed london road without watching for the inevitable two-way traffic, sank into jason's car, and slammed his door much too hard.

so, in these dark times, i turn once again to "the mask of zorro" to guide me.

de la vega: put it aside.
alejandro murrieta: how? how can i do what is needed, when all i feel is... hate?
de la vega: you hide it with this. [unfurls black mask]

i'm not quite sure what the lesson in that is. maybe don diego de la vega is telling me to become a modern-day duluthian zorro. i will ride my horse into my workplace, tearing through the cubicles and throwing papers around the office. i will seek out my paycheck amidst the screams and cheers of the innocent bystanders. i will face the owner and beat her in a duel, where she will lash out in anger, and i will taunt her with my superior skills. "who are you?" she'll cry in defeat. i will silently and skillfully carve my initials into her desk and ride off into the sunset with my paycheck.



ZORRO RIDES AGAIN!!

so the "punk'd" i'm watching right now is really mean. there is a thinly-veiled line between "outrageous" and "awful." this was just horrible. this was worth mentioning, i promise. be nice, kids. i know i am not a good example, but do as i say, bitches, not as i do.

so fourth of july, fourth of july. joel & i spent the fourth of july as twelve year olds.

first, we saw BRITISH EXPORT, a beatles tribute band, in bayfront park. they weren't great and they were kind of shlocky, but they were fun. how many times do you actually get to twist and shout to "twist and shout" by a band that sort of sounds like the beatles? how many times do you get to get lost in a sea of twelve-to-fourteen year old girls who act like BRITISH EXPORT is actually the beatles? and how many times do you get to see the back of "john"'s wig flapping up in the breeze? it was great. joel actually half-danced with me.

then we went on the ferris wheel. now, i've never been on a ferris wheel before in my life. everyone i know is a chickenshit when it comes to that. (either that or they start complaining about carnies of all things.) the bright candy-colored lights and the lethargic circular motion have always intrigued me, and i finally got to enjoy it in all its questionably-constructed glory.

we were lucky enough to be stopped at the very top of the ferris wheel. we sat at the top, swaying in the cool night air, overlooking downtown duluth. it was breathtaking, and as cliché as that phrase is, it really was. i was speechless. i will reiterate how much i love duluth, how much i fucking love duluth.

work is getting better. the more comfortable i am with what i'm doing, the easier it's coming. i sat back an read the wall street journal while pitching my sales, and i didn't get tripped up at all. i played cards with james, and that only tripped me up once because i think he cheated. and flirting with my afternoon supervisor tripped me up twice, but that was my own fault. dude, he's dreamy. you understand.

all right, kids, it was a lame post, but it was enough. clifford out.

ps: you should be watching "reno 911!" if you're not, i can't imagine one good reason not to.

hey, want to hear some irony? a little girl just knocked on my door to sell me a subscription to the duluth news tribune. i really wanted to buy it from her, but i have like $12 to get me to friday. bah.

so hollywood has been bitching a lot about the box office slump of late. they keep wondering why, oh why, the american public isn't rushing to their local theater and eagerly shelling out the ridiculous $7.50 to see the "best movie of the year" and the "hit of the summer."

here, hollywood movie producers, let anniemosity spell it out for you: you've officially run out of ideas.

the original "war of the worlds" was made in 1953. "the honeymooners" was on television in 1955. we saw "bewitched" in 1964. we saw "herbie the love bug" back in 1966. we saw the original "charlie & the chocolate factory" back in 1971. "the longest yard" was done in 1974. "bad news bears" was made in 1976. and "the dukes of hazzard" was on tv back in 1979.

WE HAVE SEEN ALL OF THESE MOVIES BEFORE, HOLLYWOOD.

now, i know you think that you've added a "twist" to each of these movies. "bewitched" is a movie about making the remake of the television show. "charlie & the chocolate factory" is based on the book, and not a remake of the original movie. "the dukes of hazzard" is an updated version starring a jackass, a dumbass, and jessica simpson's ass.

THIS DOES NOT CHANGE THE FACT THAT WE'VE SEEN ALL OF THESE MOVIES BEFORE, HOLLYWOOD.

i think i've made my point. now it's time for the sunday 5. this week's theme is cover songs.

the sunday 5.
1. smashing pumpkins: stay (faraway, so close!)
(u2.)
billy corgan made this song good. it's blasphemy saying so about a u2 song, but zooropa was not an awesome album. billy makes it right. i wish u2 would have done it this way originally, but i guess i should be happy that the song found it's true sound, even though it was through someone else. so are the pumpkins getting back together or what? anyone?

2. the vines: ms. jackson.
(outkast.)
i love covers that are done in a completely different genre. this one's great. at first, i didn't like it very much, but i discovered its melancholy nature, and that's what really turned me around. and then when craig nicholls gets into it and starts yelling... it's great.

3. the fugees: no woman no cry.
(bob marley.)
it's frightening when someone covers a "classic" -- not only for the artists, but for the listeners too. "they'd better not mess with it." "i hope they do it justice." "oh man, they're going to wreck it." i think that the only person who could do this song right would be wyclef. and he got it.

4. ted leo: since u been gone/maps.
(kelly clarkson/yeah yeah yeahs.)
honestly, i'd never heard kelly clarkson's entire song prior to hearing ted leo's version. when i heard this one, i remember thinking how brilliant it was for him to be able to string the two songs together... and then i heard kelly's, and it makes perfect sense. quality.

5. tina turner: the bitch is back.
(elton john.)
there's an entire album out of elton john covers, featuring eric clapton, sting, the beach boys, sinead o'connor, jon bon jovi, and phil collins. they all do a pretty decent job on their tunes, but there's one that stands above them all. ohhhhhhhhh man, this was so perfect. i mean, yeah, elton's the ultimate diva and the ultimate bitch, but hearing tina turner screech about being a bitch.... perfect.

i feel weird being away from work for this long. granted, i've only been there for two weeks, but i'm working 10 hour days, so it definitely feels bizarre not to be there. it's a welcomed break, but i kind of don't know what to do with myself. thank god sam came up this weekend, because i would stay glued in front of reality television all weekend.

although re-living "the surreal life: 3" isn't really a bad way to chill on a sunday. i keep forgetting how entertaining charo is because she's always so overshadowed by flav and brigitte.




FLAVOR FLAAAAAAAV.

when i signed into blogger this morning, i had big plans.
i was going to make a tribute to the late great luther vandross.
i was going to talk about how wonderful it is to be able to have a bonfire whenever i want, and how much i love that bonfire smell.
i was going to get all giddy about how i have a four-day weekend away from work.

but right now, the only thing i can talk about was how badass the black-eyed snakes were last night at bayfront park. sparhawk was magnificent and they kicked my ass and i loved it.



it was kind of weird to see them outside. in the daylight. they're always in small, smoky rooms with minimal lighting, and the shows can be pretty creep-tastic because of the dirty and dangerous persona they so love to exude.

this is my official tribute to the black-eyed snakes, my favorite duluth band that isn't on hiatus.

it's too nice out to sit inside any longer.

happy 4th, bitches.

edit, 1:22pm
dear live 8,
i've been watching you for two hours. i need to get off my ass but i'm loving you a lot right now. you gave me the gorgeous bon jovi/ritchie sambora, complete with "living on a prayer." you gave me coldplay doing "bittersweet symphony." you gave me a surprisingly kickass destiny's child performance of "say my name," with beyonce going nuts... that was great. snoop doing "what's my name" was awesome... especially because the censors were behind. you made madonna sound incredible with that choir. you made me well up with tears when bono started singing "blackbird."
but
the best moment of live 8 so far today was not any of the legendary artists. or even brad pitt.
it was ricky gervais doing the david brent dance:



god i need to see that.
awesome.
love, anne.