PART ONE - in which everything started normally.
CUNTZILLA! married Trashy McCheapAss on a dark and stormy Saturday.

The reception started about an hour behind schedule, and innocuously enough. The bartenders began the night on a high note, making fortresses out of cups:


...and having way too much fun laughing at the ridiculously dressed wedding party. They even shared a secret or two. Employee Bonding 101. They were able to take their dinner breaks together (ten pound burritos from the wonderful Burrachos). The most pressing question was whether or not they would recover from their burrito-eating contest (both felt like crap after cramming ten pound burritos into their empty systems). There was a murmur going through the hotel about flooding in the area due to the severe storms that were popping up out of nowhere, but the bartenders couldn't be bothered -- they were having too much fun. "It's going to be a good one tonight, I can feel it," Heroine A said to Hero B, seemingly sealing their fate.

PART TWO - in which the shit began to fly.
The whirlwind grew out of nothingness. Bud Lite? No problem. Two 7 and 7s? Sure! Three brandy Old Fashioneds? Alright. Five Bloody Marys, a Sex on the Beach, two Jäg bombs, and four beers? Uh... okay! Oh, exact change? Bitch. How about SIXTEEN Jäg bombs, otherwise known as $80 worth of liquor? Exact fucking change????? Christ Almighty. Apparently complimenting the hell out of the drinks ("This is the best Bloody Mary this side of the Mississippi!!" "Ohmigod, this chick makes the best Sex on the Beach I've ever had!") is an appropriate substitute for a tip -- evidently the drinks weren't good enough to even get a measly quarter slide.

The bartenders caught each others' eye and noticed that the last time they'd really spoken to each other was two hours prior, and neither had emptied the suspiciously hollow tip jars. Things were not looking good, and the attitudes of our heroes were plummeting quickly. Trashy McCheapAss and the Amazingly Drunk Groomsmen were certainly not helping things, as they were whining about the price of everything and then apologizing for their lack of tips. It grew to be so that the bartenders were so aggravated that they fell completely silent, communicating through nods, points, and gestures, slamming the cooler doors shut and nearly throwing the bottles of alcohol around.

And then everything stopped.

The bartenders felt slightly uneasy. "I got a bad feeling about this," Hero B said to Heroine A, Han Solo-style. They leaned against the counter, arms folded in unison, bracing themselves for another round that seemed to never come. Outside, the storm raged on.

PART THREE - in which everything went to hell.
Josh the Noble, taking notice of the bartenders' obvious agitation, sent Heroine A down to the public bar in the basement to relieve the girl working down there for thirty minutes. She welcomed the break from the madness with vigor, taking solace in re-stocking the cooler, making small-talk with the pleasant customers, and watching the lightning.

Her walkie-talkie suddenly crackled to life, as cries for help were heard from her male counterpart upstairs. "I NEED HELP!" he yelped, "I GOT SLAMMED." After ten minutes of no response, Public Bartender returned with the news that the groom threw a cup at Hero B upstairs. Heroine A flew up the stairs to his aid, shoving her way towards the bar. From that time on, everything was a blur of liquor, dollar bills, and maneuvering around each other, their sticky arms full of bottles.

Throughout the rest of the night, everything that could have gone wrong did. Wedding guests were vomiting in the bathrooms and drunkenly storming through the lobby. The roof began leaking in multiple places. The DJ blew a fuse. Both bartenders were hit in the face with flying plastic cups, both with and without liquor. CUNTZILLA! raged at Josh the Noble, trying to get him fired, and then sat at a table across from the bar and began to pout. CUNTZILLA!'s maid of honor flew to her rescue, heckling our heroes, and generally making things as ridiculously difficult as possible. Hero B tried to keep everything together as Heroine A ran her ass off that night, flying from the upstairs bar to the downstairs bar and back, attempting to find any one of the seven liquors that the hotel had run out of, reassuring the customers that she would attend to their every demand in mere moments, and physically threatening the housekeeping staff that stood in her way.

Overall, the wedding party emptied the entire stock of Bloody Mary mix, Red Bull, Korbel, Smirnoff, Bailey's, Bacardi Limon, Captain Morgan, and Malibu (not to mention going through five kegs of Miller Lite in four hours). For the amount of people at the CUNTZILLA!/McCheapAss reception, that is a lot. (Well, for anyone that is a lot.) This greatly aggravated CUNTZILLA!. Out of liquor? Surely you jest! It COULDN'T be because your jackass wedding party DRANK ---- IT ---- ALL.

Things were literally falling apart at the seams when the bartenders slammed down the light switch, ending the reception promptly at 2am. They quickly agreed that Hero B would clean up the bar while the Heroine A dealt with the money, so as to get their tired asses out of that hotel as fast as possible. The finish line was in sight.

As Heroine A was counting out what seemed like ten thousand dollars worth of twenty dollar bills, she heard a familiar thunk!-bam!-crack! that she'd heard but once before. All of a sudden, Security was calling the police because one of McCheapAss's Amazingly Drunk Groomsmen hit his wife in the lobby. Hero B came flying into the back room amidst shrieks from the guests. "There are five bats flying around the conference center," he choked out through gasps for air. "Can we get the hell out?"

Our heroes clocked out, stole some of the leftover catered food from the reception, ran for the exits, and flung open the door to reveal the most intense downpour either one had ever witnessed. They looked at each other with a renewed determination to leave this motherfucking night behind them, and took off into the rain.