In every job, there are unwritten rules that the employees abide by. Bartending is no different. In the last few months that I have worked, I have become increasingly annoyed with the lack of my fellow employees following some of these. I've taken it upon myself to write the unwritten and make known my frustrations. (Lots of capital letters and repetition ahead.)

-Never leave an unstocked bar. God help you if you leave an unstocked bar. (This is an actual rule in most places... it's just a REALLY FUCKING IMPORTANT ONE that is apparently easy to overlook. How hard is it to bring a couple of cases of beer to the cooler? Jesus Christ.)

-Don't be flashy unless you work at a Flair Bar. Bitch, please. Do the job and take the extra effort you would use flipping a bottle or whatever and put it towards talking to the customer or garnishing the drink or something normal. 7/10 people do not care if you have the ability to bartend at the Coyote Ugly or whatever the fuck, and the other 3 only mildly care. Ugh. Annoying.

-Thou shalt not keep personal tips. AKA, if someone says "Pocket this," you smile and put it in the tip jar, and NOT your pocket. You're working just as hard as the other bartender, jackass. You split that shit... unless, of course, the other bartender has got their thumb up their butt while you're working your ass off. Then pocket the tip and smirk your hard-working face off. A well-placed snicker may be appropriate as well.

-How about we be fair with side work? Washing dishes, cleaning the bar, re-stocking during the night... these are things that we (generally) do not enjoy doing as much as we enjoy making drinks or bantering with customers. So switch off. Don't make me do it all the time because your lazy ass won't do it. Otherwise I will shaft you with the clean-up, and that is a promise.

-Sitting and staring at the customers... not a good move. Hey. HEY! Look at me! NO, STOP STARING AT THE FLOOR. Here's the thing. If there's someone who comes into the bar by themselves, they generally are looking for someone to talk to, be it idle chit-chat or be it interesting anecdotes all night long. If you stand there and stare at the ground or, worse, them, you will have a very long night full of awkward head-bobs and heavy sighs, not to mention an empty tip jar. It's not really that difficult to initiate conversation. "Where are you from?" Attaboy.

-Consult the other person before making decisions. For the love... this is the one that's been getting to me lately. I can appreciate being able to make snap decisions under pressure, but how about we make them together? If we are both working, I'm going to need you to check with me before you make a big decision. Drink tickets, keeping the bar open late (or closing it early, god forbid), whatever the case may be, it needs to be a joint decision. Also, having a two minute meeting at the beginning of a shift so we can both be on the same page about things for a sense of continuity is not a bad idea in the least. Otherwise I look like an ass. AN ASS.

-DO. NOT. USE. THE FLOOR DRAIN. AS. A SINK. I'm sorry, I really don't enjoy wading through a pond of cranberry juice and tonic water. That shit goes in THE SINK. THE SINK.

-Keep the cooler organized. Ah! Another way to make me look like an ass! I'm searching high and low through the cooler, desperately searching for a Sam Adams because you decided to hide it under the Heineken for no apparent reason. IT IS ORGANIZED FOR A REASON. God! God.

-Moving the garbage is a BAD BAD BAD IDEA. In addition, PLEASE do not hurl empty liquor bottles toward it with enough force to kill a grown rhino. I've almost been killed on the job at least six times.

I am not the perfect bartender by any means. I'm guilty of being a bitch in situations where it does not call for bitchery (that's my most commonly repeated offense), scooping the ice with a glass (bad, Anniemosity, BAD!), and trash-talking an employee to customers (....oops), just to name a few.

Seriously, if you've been a bartender for at least a year -- and everyone at SCI has -- these are things you should know. They all sound like relatively common sense, right? Assholes.

No, I really like both of my co-workers. Most times. Outside of work, that is. Bitches.