It's time to have a little talk with John Mayer.


Yeah. I'm serious.

Dear John Mayer,

I get a lot of shit for certain music I listen to. Steely Dan. Old-school Mariah Carey (haters can shut the hell up because she was amazing back then). A certain shitty-ass emo band that I still refuse to admit owning their album(s). Bon Jovi. Something tells me that you feel me on every single one of these (except the emo band, which we really shouldn't talk about). You can appreciate Steely Dan's chord sequences and harmonies... Mariah's undeniable talent (should she choose to execute it)... and Bon Jovi just rocks.

I get shit for listening to you, John. And I understand why. Let me break it down for you. Your "acoustic rock," while good for the genre, was, well, pussy acoustic rock. I'm sorry man, that doesn't earn you a lot of credibility unless you've got something super unique going for you, and it didn't look like you did.

So it's, what, 2004?... the era where I'm wanting to slice my ears off if I hear "Your Body is a Wonderland" ever-the-fuck-again. And I'm flipping around and I land on VH1, and there you are, playing with Paul Simon. I remember doing a double take. I think that's the first time I kind of took notice of you, John Mayer. I noticed your chord structure was very different. Cliché singer/songwriter, but good player.

Then I caught wind of something about this:


Do you know who that is? Do you know who you're playing with right there, Mayer? That's Buddy Guy. You are onstage with Buddy Guy, Mr. "Swim in a Deep Sea of Blankets." I never saw the PBS thing you did with him, which is where I'm assuming this picture came from, and if not, you played with Buddy Guy more than once (oh wait, you're on his 2005 album, which is currently downloading on iTunes, thanks to an old gift card I just found). And then B.B. King started raving about you. And then you showed up on his "80" album, while in the meantime, put out an album that was better, but, sorry to say, very similar to the first. (...although... "Daughters" was really sweet. I mean.. sappy-sweet, but sweet. I liked it, okay, fine, I liked it, but I probably won't be admitting that again.)

Something didn't add up to me, Mayer. I remember thinking, "What do they know about Homeboy that we don't?" Clearly there was something that we, the public, weren't privy to... all we knew was your soft acoustic-y singer/songwriter shtick, and why the hell would that land you gigs with Buddy Guy and B.B. King and oh yeah you played with Eric Clapton at one point too, right? And Dr. John? And Aaron Neville? And John Scofield? And lest we forget, you TOURED with Herbie Hancock. Oh yeah and then you decided to not only conquer the old-school blues dudes, but the cutting-edgiest of the cutting edge hip hop dudes. Common. Kanye. ?uestlove. You showed up on Dave Chappelle. You popped up everywhere and every time, I went "WTF."

I can tell you when it clicked for me. I'm riding around in the car with a music-savvy friend of mine (you see, Mayer, all most of my friends are at least mildly music-savvy) and he says "Have you heard of John Mayer's new blues trio?" B-b-bwha? "Yeah, man, it's fly." FLY, Mayer, he called you FLY, and I knew right then and there that this was it, man, this was the real thing. He burned it for me (I actually for real bought it later, and I'm not just saying that) and then I knew that this, THIS was the John Mayer that Buddy Guy saw, that B.B. and Herbie and Scofield and Common saw, that the world needed, John, it needed you like this. We don't need another singer/songwriter acoustic-y crooner, we need THIS.

Fast-forward: "Continuum." God bless you, sir, you finally shed it all. It's blues meets old-school R&B, laced with rock, with a splash of decent pop. It's soulful and groovy and wonderful. Your lyrics are surprisingly vulnerable and bold at the same time, and while your vocals aren't your strongest suit, they are perfect for your kind of music (and may I add, the vocals during the chorus of "Belief" remind me of Sting, in the good way). Dude, you have the cajones to do a Jimi song and it's good. (Did I mention your version of "Route 66" on the soundtrack to "Cars" is fucking great? Your version of "Route 66" on the soundtrack to "Cars" is fucking great.)

The thing is, Mayer, that the people who only know you as "That Fucker Who Wrote That 'Wonderland' Piece of Shit" (direct quote, dude, the truth hurts sometimes) will probably always think of you as "That Fucker Who Wrote That 'Wonderland' Piece of Shit," but thankfully, you're taking steps to change it to "That One Dude Who Can Tear Up This Mother, and Happened to Write That 'Wonderland' Piece of Shit a Long Time Ago." However, I know some pretty stubborn individuals (imagine that) who aren't giving you a chance, Mayer, and I'm trying to spread the news about the new and improved You.

I just wanted to let you know that you've made a believer out of me. We here at Anniemosity.com fully support you. (Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that I was one of the eight people who watched both episodes of "John Mayer Has a TV Show," even when I didn't really like you -- I still talk about this sketch all the time, and it's never as funny when I try to talk about it.)

So play on, John Mayer. And, if I can manage to come up with $40 by February, you can bet your sweet ass that I'll be at the Xcel Energy Center at the very same time that you are.

Love,
Anniemosity

PS: I have decided, in the least fangirly kind of way, that I am in love with you? Creepy? No.

PPS: You should really maybe think about cutting that hair. I'm just saying.

PPPS: If you really are dating Jessica Simpson, I will probably print some sort of retraction to this entire letter, unless she can somehow prove that she has a) a personality, b) brains, or c) talent. God damn it, Simpson, if you ruin John Mayer, I swear to God....


EDIT: Yeah, here's "Route 66" because it'll blow your mind. If you're a non-believer, wait it out. The first part is the straight-up song. The second part is straight-up unbelievable.