What in the hell is wrong with female celebrities these days?

Do I sound like I'm kidding? I'm so not kidding.

Exhibit A: the Trifecta of Trash.



I realize that their antics are ridiculously Last Week, but you've got to be kidding me. Britney, these are exactly the wrong steps to be taking to orchestrate your world-dominating comeback. This is dangerous terriroty. Your next step must be placed very carefully, woman. I still belive, but I am worried.

Exhibit B: Gwen.



What. The. Hell. Is. Wrong. With. You.



WHATTHEHELLISWRONGWITHYOU?
What do I need to talk about first? Your RIDICULOUS new look? Or your RIDICULOUS new song? I mean, not only do you sample "FIDDLER ON THE ROOF" and then "THE SOUND OF MUSIC," but you look like a Halloween costume Madonna would have rejected in 1984. Your shit used to be b-a-n-a-n-a-s, but now it's just..... w-a-c-k-y. And not in the cute, eccentric way. You're just weird.

I wash my hands of you.

Exhibit C: Fergie.



I shouldn't mention your shitty-ass songs (both of which reside somewhere on my hard drive) but first things first -- you can't pretend that you can hold a candle to reputable female vocalists (or that you don't look like a relative of Kermit in that photo), but when I hear those horns in the confusing and ambiguous "London Bridge," my ass starts bumping in sync, and when you start talking about Webster's definition of "Fergalicious," I get duck lips and my neck swivels side to side.

All this aside, what.... what.... I don't even know. I shouldn't have brought this up. I'll stay out of it... for now. Until you pull something like this again. (I'm letting this go this time because, aside from the atrocious attempt at rapping, I don't see how she was "drunk." Whatevs.)

Exhibit D: Jessica Simpson.



What do you do, Jessica?
I'm serious, what is it exactly that you are paid for? I just don't understand. I mean, obviously you don't sing anymore, so why are you famous and why should I care? Damn.

Exhibit E: Nelly Furtado.



I just.... don't know. Those bangs... your style...... wtf. WTF. W. T. F.


We need some awesome female celebrities today. I've got NOBODY that's just straight-up awesome.

Someone please just give me millions -- hey, even thousands will do -- and I'll be a sweet female celebrity. Imagine how awesome that would be. I would rule.

Goal #1 - become part of the helm of the new generation of Duluthutants.
Goal #2 - be rich and famous.