There is so much happening in pop culture right now that I can hardly process it all at once, and I'm a pro. But for real, what the fuck is happening to celebrities??

Exhibit A: Eddie Van Halen.


My sources tell me that Mr. Van Halen is going to write and perform a few songs for a porn flick. I don't know how to feel about this, aside from blindsided. All I'm saying is that this had better be amazing. If Eddie is wasting his talents on something that doesn't really have much musical direction outside of "bwa-tchika bwa-tchika bwa-wah," I'm going to be super disappointed.

Exhibit B: Gene Simmons.


As if we needed another bizarro reality show. Don't get me wrong -- everyone knows I love CelebReality. "The Surreal Life" is literally a gift from the gods of television. But.... A&E decided that Gene Simmons deserves his own reality show (cleverly titled "Family Jewels"). Ordinarily I would think that this is awesome, but there are two serious flaws in this logic. Number One -- Ozzy Osbourne did it first. Rock star turns family man, still has weird rock and roll adventures, and manages to run his household. Been there, done that. Number Two -- Gene needs to be wearing his KISS makeup if he's going to be on television, because I'll be damned if that ugly mug is going to be on my screen for a half hour every week.

Exhibit C: Steely Dan vs. Owen Wilson.

VS.


For real, I love Steely Dan. But man, I cannot tell if those guys are making up this fight with Owen Wilson or just old stoners. Here is their letter to Owen's brother, Luke, about Owen's portrayal of Randy Dupree in the comedy hit of the summer, "You, Me, and Dupree." I felt like I was reading a letter written by The Dude. Please, Walter and Donald, please, let it be tounge-in-cheek.

(Know what I just realized? Walter and Donny are two characters in "The Big Lebowski." Coincidence?)

The seventies and eighties have blasted their way back into pop culture in fuckin weird ways. And as much as I am wary of all this news...... I love it all the same.