i'm contemplating quitting smoking.

i had my first cigarette in the later years of my teens, but i think i knew far before then that i would end up being a smoker for some of my life. of course, my parents always told me that "smoking is bad," so i was automatically intrigued. i remember a friend of mine would invite me over to watch old movies in his basement, and he would smoke cigarettes and analyze the subtext of the movies. it all seemed so kerouac-ian and so impressive and so artsy. i would always romanticize the smoke wafting out of humphrey bogart's mouth, swirling around over his head. (someday i'll talk about my lifelong bogart fascination.)

after smoking a few cigarettes here and there in the local cub parking lot, i became a casual smoker, and that lasted for quite awhile. however, i knew that i liked it too much and would have to pick a side. naturally, being a rebellious nineteen year old, i finally decided to give smoking my all.

and it's been all good. being a smoker has only been (immediately) detrimental to me a few times in these last few years (one being the infamous moment when i chose to give up my front row spot at pizza luce minutes before atmosphere was to take the stage because i just had to have one). in fact, many good things have come from being a smoker. i've made friends over a cigarette; i've made business connections over a cigarette; i've made big decisions over a cigarette.

the combination of cigarettes and coffee, however, is something i will never get over. i can't drink a cup of coffee without going into a frenzy, desperately trying to get my hands on a cigarette, because the combination is so wonderful. i remember a few times this summer (when i had that shitty shitty shitty job) i'd wake up early, make a pot of coffee, and sit out on my porch, drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes and watching the sun come up. honestly, it doesn't get much better than that...

...except standing out on my porch on a crisp winter evening, staring at the stars and watching the smoke curl up into the sky and catch the light from the lamppost in my front yard...

...or the "after a large meal" cigarette. or the post-coital cigarette. or the cigarette you smoke when you're walking that thin line between "mildly intoxicated" and "completely wasted." or the one you smoke when you're stressed beyond all belief. cigarettes have punctuated my time well over these few years. i honestly don't think it's a disgusting habit at all. in fact, i really quite like smoking cigarettes.

but i'm starting to grow weary of paying the higher price for them. i'm growing weary of brushing my teeth ninety times a day. i'm sick of apologizing to my friends for blowing smoke in their faces or hair. i don't know how i'm going to handle my job if i decide to quit smoking, because i smoke a LOT there, but i guess i'll have to take that one step at a time.

i haven't come to any concrete conclusions yet, but i'm definitely thinking it over.

but i swear to god, if one more person snidely reminds me that smoking's bad for [me], i'm going to kick their teeth in.


ps: i present to you billy joel vs. britney spears - this is the "uptown girl" video set to "toxic" and it is damn hilarious.