i'm really sorry, remaining guest bloggers, but i'm going to bump you back a day because, well, i'm paying for this blog. actually, i'm not. blogger is free. that's not the point. here's my story.

i was an hour late to work because of a miscommunication. bad.

then, somehow in the hustle-and-bustle of being a cocktail wench, i lost twenty dollars worth of tips. bad.

so i was having a rough night. i had been on my feet for five hours, had three men tell me they loved me, two men grab me for a few grope-tastic hugs, and one guy tell me the measurements of his genitalia. and i lost twenty dollars. and i gave an old man my last cigarette.

after the bar had finally been vacated, my boss takes me out the back door, hands me a cigarette, and tells me to "watch the fucking door. don't let anybody in." whatever, i thought. i lit up, exhaled the beautiful poison, and breathed in the deliciously cold air.

and then i heard it. it wasn't a thunk!, it wasn't a bam!, and it wasn't a crack!, but it was some kind of mix of the three. i peeked down the dark sidewalk to find out where this bizarre sound was coming from.

a man was on the ground, his head in his hands, screaming. he stood up and stared at the big guy across from him. all of a sudden, he leaps at him, fists flying, and thunk!-bam!-crack!, clocks him in the side of the face. the guy got to his feet and lunged at him, grabbing him around the neck and pulling him into a headlock. the small crowd of girls around them jump back about five feet. one of the guys was gushing blood from the head. everyone was screaming.

i couldn't believe it. i ran inside and grabbed a bouncer. "there's a fucking fight out there!" i cried, half ecstatic, half freaked the fuck out.

"i know," he said. "is someone watching the back door? don't let anyone in!" he said. i raced back, followed by two other servers and my boss. we stood there and watched the fight that was now raging all over the sidewalk. the stupid girls started getting involved..... one of the guys took his shirt off (...someone needed a back wax terribly...) and threw it in the other guy's face... and all the thunk!-bam!-crack!s....

as a girl from the heart of suburbia, this was the most exciting thing i've ever witnessed (shy of summer of '03, when jack white walked onto the stage in those black & red spandex pants). "it's like cops, but... real life!" i said like an awe-struck five-year-old.

"second one this week," my boss said, unimpressed but seemingly hypnotized. as the fight ended by guy #1 being shoved into a speeding car by his much weaker buddies, one of the servers shook her head and said, "that's superior for you."

to round out my night, i got an amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing job offer from a local badass business, and i'm snapping that shit up like.... something that snaps shit up fast.

these two events (the fight and the amazing job) almost make up for the twenty dollars i lost tonight.

almost.

actually, no, i'm still pretty pissed about that.