perhaps i should learn to be less presumptuous. when i initially said, "i don't work until thursday," i apparently meant, "i work every night this week including thursday." silly me.

to tie in the subject of tonight (this morning?)'s post, i learned a few things at work tonight. as most of you know, i've been planning my 21st birthday since the second i had my first sip of alcohol. it was going to be a big celebration: all of my friends would accompany me to Bar Number One. i would get as close to drunk as i could, and then we'd stumble down superior street to Bar Number Two to finish up the night. it was to be an epic party, a big to-do, a jubilant commemoration of my final "coming-of-age" moment.... as long as every single person i know was there, getting drunk right along with me.

well, i witnessed that exact scene tonight (if you change "...stumble down superior street..." to "stay at frankie's tavern all night long"). twenty or thirty 21-year-old frat boys and their hangers on ambushed the bar at exactly midnight and ordered the new 21-year-old eight shots of various colors and flavors. he proceeded to down every single one. his buddies then ordered him a beer. he chugged. then they ordered him three more shots. he threw them back and grimaced. i checked my watch. it was 12:15. (he's probably hurting pretty badly right now, come to think of it.) his friends took up BOTH SIDES of the bar, periodically standing on the stools and yelling "HAPPY BIRTHDAY! THIS MOTHERFUCKER'S 21!! YEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!" and then the karaoke began. they sang every garth brooks song in the book, and one that had them all declaring that they liked their women a little on the trashy side. it's times like these that i'm thankful i've learned to tune the karaoke out.

i was innocently wiping out an ashtray when i heard the familiar guitar riff. i whirled around, horrified. "lazy yellow moon comin' up tonight, shinin' through the trees..." i shot a frantic glance at tony (the dj) and he mouthed an apology. "BABY get ready," the frat boys crooned. i went back to the task at hand, fuming. i was being greeted by "fishin' in the dark" by the nitty gritty dirt band... my old nemesis. there is literally -- literally -- no song that i hate more in the entire library of music ever written than "fishin' in the dark." (there are a few who can attest to this.) there was clapping and cheering and singing and a-hootin' and a-hollerin'. i threw the ashtray down and stormed up to the front bar, refusing to return to my job until the song was over.

last call finally arrived. the freshly 21-year old and his horrifically drunk buddies stumbled out of the bar, and i literally felt dumber for having to witness the past hour and a half.

however, i'm glad i was able to be a part of this. it taught me that my aforementioned celebration is clearly the wrong way to immortalize my 21st birthday. yes, i will be at a bar... maybe even two. however, i will not bring every person i know, and i will not yell and scream and celebrate across the span of an entire bar. it will be as low-key as i can possibly make it. i never want to go through that again, much less cause it. (i'm hoping some of you will remember this and keep me in check, come march.)

the other thing i learned tonight was to NEVER TELL PATRONS/DRUNKS THE TRUTH ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIP STATUS.

just after last call, there were three big guys playing darts in the back. i went to grab the ashtrays and wipe the tables when one of them stopped me. he had a gigantic ring through the middle of his nose, which made him look like a big bull. literally. he told me i was doing a very good job, and i thanked him. he told me that his friend (who was currently shooting darts) was a very nice boy. i told him that it was wonderful that he makes friends with such nice people. he told me that i was very pretty, and i thanked him.

and then the fateful question. "are you single?" Mr. Bull asked me.
"yes," i replied, hesitantly.
"come meet this guy. you'll love him," he said, putting his hand on the small of my back and steering me towards the beefy man with a dart in his hand. i thanked my lucky stars i had grabbed the disinfectant and made some excuse about having to do my job, waving the big green bottle in his face. i ducked behind the bar and hid until they left. (they left me his phone number and quite the hefty tip.)

in hindsight, i should have lied and told him i was married to a professional wrestler, but unfortunately i don't remember any of their names.

so what have i learned?

a) 21 will be fun, but not belligerent and annoying. and so help me, if "fishin' in the dark" makes an appearance, we will no longer be friends. i solemnly swear this.

b) lies. feed the customers lies and bring them their booze, and then get the hell away.

c) learn names of professional wrestlers.

that's all i have for you tonight. now i will drift off to sleep by watching "groundhog day." again.
clifford out.